Being naughty Chances are your lady like talking dirty just as much as you do. It’s a great way to liven things up in the bedroom and to add a bit of heat under the sheets. Are you up for the challenge but don’t know where to start? Thankfully, iVillage is here with the answers.
talkin’ dirty“Talk dirty to me,” I whispered to my then-boyfriend. We were a few months into the relationship (about the right time, by the way, to introduce something like this), we'd just seen a film with some decidedly sexy scenes and we had a few gin and tonics under our belts. I was in a “what-the-heck-let's-spice-things-up” kind of mood, delivering the line in what I considered a sexy, deep, guttural voice.

“Umm, OK,” he said nervously, his voice doing the opposite to mine and suddenly lifting a few octaves (not a good sign). Then he cleared his throat, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down… while other previously excited body parts just went, well, down. “I'm going to…I'm going to put my…um…penis? Is that OK or should I be dirtier?…Inside your um…Shoot, what do I call it? Girls don't like certain words, do they?” (No, we don't, but when someone asks you to talk dirty, it's like getting a hall pass.) A pause, then… ”Actually, first I'm going to take a shower and make sure everything is really clean, taking particular care to clean under my foreskin and then, of course, I'm going to pull on a condom…”

Not quite what I had in mind.

Ah, the joys of being a sexpert. Perhaps I'd overdone the lectures about cleanliness (British boys are mainly uncircumcized) and safe sex.

Plus, he liked me, so he didn't want to “offend” me by using slang. And the boundaries are confusing, aren't they? That's why loads of us find dirty talk difficult. The reason why is when someone says, “Talk dirty to me,” we're never quite sure exactly what they mean. Do they want a carefully crafted, artfully worded fantasy scenario, D. H. Lawrence style? Or a crude, coarse diatribe designed to appeal to our wicked, “dirty” side? If we use the correct terms, will we be seen as prudish? If we use swear words, will we shock and offend? Where does the “acting” stop and start? Are we supposed to act “dirty,” or just talk the talk? And how on earth do you do it without sounding like a sad extra from a B-grade porn film? What, exactly, do you say?

And if that's what both sexes struggle with, it's particularly hard for women to suggest it for fear of being judged.

“The first time I talked dirty, the guy I was with lost his erection and told me I was a slut. Needless to say, I'm a little nervous suggesting it again, even though I love doing it and love it when guys do it to me.”

I get letters like this from women all the time and there's a common theme throughout: confusion.

”He watches porn all the time and swears and carries on with his friends, why wouldn't he like talking dirty? What's going on?”

The men who tend to react negatively are usually traditional, conservative men, brought up in a household where sex was dirty and good girls definitely didn't talk dirty. But even “normal” men sometimes find it difficult to speak “badly” to their girlfriend or hear very vulgar things coming out of her mouth. It seems disrespectful -- which is, of course, why talking dirty works: It makes us feel sexually uncomfortable and sometimes this is a good thing.
how to do itPart of the turn-on of talking dirty is that most women aren't explicit about sex the rest of the time. If you're the type who swears like a sailor during lunch with the Parents’ and Teachers’ Association, it's probably not going to surprise him particularly if you continue doing it in bed. But for girls who play it pure and virginal in public, saving your wild inner-temptress for behind closed doors can spice up a so-so sex life instantly.

Start with sexy texts or emails. It's often less embarrassing to write something down than it is to say it straight to someone's face—even better if you're not around when they read it! Start small. Send a short text saying, “How good was our sex last night? I want more!” Slip a sexy note into his wallet or briefcase saying, “I can't stop thinking about having sex with you. I might have to take matters into my own hands tonight because you won't be around.”
Suggest it in bed. Increase the intensity of your moans and groans generally, then describe what's happening: “I'm watching you disappear inside me and that is so sexy.” If you can hold eye contact as you're describing it, you get extra points. Follow this by whispering, “Tell me what you'd really like to do to me” in his ear. If he looks horrified, give a little giggle to lighten things up.
Timing is everything. Sometimes, it's ultra-sexy to talk dirty somewhere very public. He may consider it to be teasing if you whisper something wicked into his ear when you're on the subway, surrounded by bored commuters -- but he's unlikely to complain. However, if it's the first time you've ever talked dirty to each other, and you're unsure of a reaction, wait until you're well into a sex session, with both of you hovering on the edge of orgasm. Your bodies are flooded with sex hormones, and he'll be far more likely to let loose.
Don't worry if it sounds cheesy. All dirty talk is cheesy!
Plagiarize. If you're having phone sex, it's perfectly acceptable to read out sections from a naughty mag or erotic book pretending it's your fantasy.
If he starts saying things you don't like, tell him. Don't accuse or lecture if he uses words or scenarios you find a bit offensive, just say, “Oh, I don't like that word. But I loved it when you said X. Can you go back to that? I was really loving it.” Swear words are optional. Some men find it incredibly erotic if you use them, especially if you don't usually swear. But you can still talk up a sexual storm without them.
Want him to be more graphic? Drop in the odd “bad” word and see how he reacts. If he hears you use them, he'll get the green light to do the same.